Monday, June 5, 2017

Torture Lives

It was last year I mentioned, I think, on my blog of having someone new in my
 life. I never thought in a million years, I the empty nester would have allowed someone in my life again. I pushed him away many times on the phone
in attempts to remain alone. My comfort zone, where I was happy, living alone, creating, gardening, and just doing what I wanted. It felt so good after two divorces that didn't work for me. If I didn't mention it I guess I was just having too much fun. The only down fall was he had an 11 year old daughter, who didn't want to share him, rightly so, and three daughters who didn't want me in his life. They fought us on many occasions, calling him, and expressing their thoughts, along with his two sister's who felt the same. It's amazing how at 61 one can find themselves living in there past through rumors of other people. A place I didn't live anymore, I had happily moved forward, until Jim, his family horrible with bullying, anything that had happened in my past suddenly became my moments. Everything said to there father, repeated to me, everything he already knew about my past had come alive in our relationship through his children. 

His sister's with church and religion was all I could take not to fire back and yell enough, I've had enough. Yet, I never did out of respect for Jim. He was an ordain Mister of a small local non denominational church, actually he played the keyboard, as he did all his life in local bands around the area. He was the only man who could play keys, base on keys, and sing at the same time. Truly a very talented man, we clicked from the day our eyes meet. So much in common with the exception of the church. It's amazing how many times I have meant people of God, who attend Church, who are the most Judgmental of all I have always ever meet in life. I was so tired of it all, the preaching of his sister's every time we'd visit, how we had to be yoke, how I had to be a part of the Church. It was taxing on us both. Then one day, we made the decision to marry outside the Government and the Church. Just him, myself, and my son and daughter in law as witnesses. We married under God, on his earth, outside with what he created. As soon as the Church found out, he was fired, made to step down. He did not represent what they considered was what the Church was about...the sad thing too. They didn't even have the decency to visit him and explain it all, express their remorse for having to do what they did... and for him it was painful. So very hurtful. 
We continued on as the months passed, with no one approving of what we had done. I kept telling him, we are adults, it's not their business, yet it never stopped. I was constantly being tortured in ways I wish upon no one by his family, and yes, he stood up on many, many occasions for me. Him 66. me 61 wasn't it truly our lives to live in this our winter years.

We attended family gatherings together, no one approved, yet, they didn't express it as he would have no part of it at such places. I took my camera to this one, a birthday party, for his grandson, Landon, who turned 2. I just kept shooting and shooting and then this happened, a moment I nearly missed. Somehow there was magic in this moment. Something I didn't expect myself. Two things were happening in just this one moment. A grand daughter, nearing two, and her papa about to share something for the first and last time. Her a photograph of a magical moment, him, his last with her.

I haven't written on here in awhile...lately sure other things, mentioned of a friend who was ill, but not who it really was or what they meant to me. On March 13th after a month of intense pain from an ear infection, several trips to the ER, one doctor sent him to an ENT, who in turn did surgery to remove a cyst behind his ear. A day I will never forget, sent to a waiting room to meet with the surgeon. Somehow I knew, what I didn't know...he entered the room with his interns...told me the surgery went well until he ran into something he didn't expect, a tumor in Jim's ear canal. A sample was sent down to the lab it was cancer. What type no idea where did it start, no idea. From March 13 the day of the surgery, to the end of was one visit after another, test after test, specialist after specialist. Then is happened, a PET scan, where they inject a sugar substance into the body that attaches to any cancer in the body. The visit which revealed it all was devastating...on the screen his body organs lite up like Christmas lights. Lung cancer that had metastasized to is brain, lymph nodes, adrenal glands, and stomach lining. 

In just a short time together it all came to end 16 days after brain surgery to remove the mass in his ear canal, which was pushing up against the spinal fluid in the brain. In just two short weeks after the March 13th surgery, his legs were giving out, his speech slow his ability to form words was difficult. This man I loved, a love I have never experience in my entire life was changing before my eyes. I had been through the death from cancer, my father, my nephew, my father in law. It was nothing new to me, yet this, was more than my heart could take. I had two visits from May 1st when he had brain surgery to remove the mass. Many calls from him, awake in ICU, and in our local Hospital through messenger, he begged me, to come and get him, take him home. Care for him until the end, something his children and family didn't believe was happening. God was going to heal him give him a miracle they'd all say...yet the truth is not with them...nor are all the prayers we was his beliefs that matter the most...the person ill, their connection with God, not ours. He kept telling me he was okay with it all, whatever happened he was good with God. For me, that meant he knew, in fact, one night in April, I ask him what he really thought. He replied, " God is going to take me home." I remember getting in the car and leaving for was all I could do not to break down in tears in his presence. I sent him a text shortly after he left. It read, "what will I do without you if God takes you home, who will love me like you do." He sent back, "I will, I will from afar, I will love you, I promise." The day he died March 17th I was left a message on my phone. I had no idea just how bad it had gotten, his daughter's had manage to shut me out. Not allowed to attend the funeral a friend of mine took me, we watched from a distance, the carrying of his casket, the ceremony under the tent. I photographed from a far...waiting my turn with him alone. The director received a call from my friend to allow me time alone with him after the family left.

I had two roses in had, walking towards his casket, was the worst walk of my life. Under the tent I reached for the casket placing my hands down, touching, feeling anything sobbing, I feel to my knees hanging on asking him to come back, please, just come back, along with expressing my love.  I have been through a lot in my life, many deaths, yet nothing like his death. The one you share your everyday, the one you give your heart too, all you heart every darn ounce there is you give, is the hardest...he was amazing, he loved me like no man ever has, something I wasn't searching for or for that thought I would ever find. After all I was content alone. He taught me love, real love, and that dear friends is so very hard to find. He was my blessing. I often wondered why people visit graves, as they say, it's just a body, the person is gone. I get it now...the people who make a point to go get it..although it's just his body, I knew that body, his touch, his hugs, his cuddles as we feel asleep at night, and those lips I kissed. Yes, I knew his body and that's why we go...I now understand it all.

My second visit was just a week ago, my best friend took me...she said, "take all the time you need." I opened the car door turned to her, said, "I don't know if I can do this" I walked towards his plot, grass already growing, knelt down on my knees, touching the grass back and forth, leaned down rested my head on the ground...crying I told him how much I missed him, his touch, how much I just wanted to touch him...and how very, so very much I loved him. 

Our story was short, from beginning when our eyes meet, we knew, to the end. As cliche' as it sounds, I had the time of my life...and I owe it to him.
I really did!

After the day he passed, I found myself going outside, uttering out loud, Jim where are you, where are day after asking this appeared. I don't know if it's just me wishing, yet, whatever it is I will take it...thumbs up to me is what I feel he sent to me.

My sweet man, to this day, it's hard to believe it all went so quickly...right down to you. I love you, thank you for showing me love, teaching me to love, for the first time ever. You will be missed, always <3

For those who bully, harass, continue to spread rumors...stop please. Unless you where their you know only what your ears hear, and your mouth repeats. Please stop.