Torture Lives

It was last year I mentioned, I think, on my blog of having someone new in my

 life. I never thought in a million years, I the empty nester would have allowed someone in my life again. I pushed him away many times on the phone

in attempts to remain alone. My comfort zone, where I was happy, living alone, creating, gardening, and just doing what I wanted. It felt so good after two divorces that didn't work for me. If I didn't mention it I guess I was just having too much fun. The only down fall was he had an 11 year old daughter, who didn't want to share him, rightly so, and three daughters who didn't want me in his life. They fought us on many occasions, calling him, and expressing their thoughts, along with his two sister's who felt the same. It's amazing how at 61 one can find themselves living in there past through rumors of other people. A place I didn't live anymore, I had happily moved forward, until Jim, his family horrible with bullying, anything that had happened in my past suddenly became my moments. Everything said to there father, repeated to me, everything he already knew about my past had come alive in our relationship through his children. 

His sister's with church and religion was all I could take not to fire back and yell enough, I've had enough. Yet, I never did out of respect for Jim. He was an ordain Mister of a small local non denominational church, actually he played the keyboard, as he did all his life in local bands around the area. He was the only man who could play keys, base on keys, and sing at the same time. Truly a very talented man, we clicked from the day our eyes meet. So much in common with the exception of the church. It's amazing how many times I have meant people of God, who attend Church, who are the most Judgmental of all I have always ever meet in life. I was so tired of it all, the preaching of his sister's every time we'd visit, how we had to be yoke, how I had to be a part of the Church. It was taxing on us both. Then one day, we made the decision to marry outside the Government and the Church. Just him, myself, and my son and daughter in law as witnesses. We married under God, on his earth, outside with what he created. As soon as the Church found out, he was fired, made to step down. He did not represent what they considered was what the Church was about...the sad thing too. They didn't even have the decency to visit him and explain it all, express their remorse for having to do what they did... and for him it was painful. So very hurtful. 

We continued on as the months passed, with no one approving of what we had done. I kept telling him, we are adults, it's not their business, yet it never stopped. I was constantly being tortured in ways I wish upon no one by his family, and yes, he stood up on many, many occasions for me. Him 66. me 61 wasn't it truly our lives to live in this our winter years.

We attended family gatherings together, no one approved, yet, they didn't express it as he would have no part of it at such places. I took my camera to this one, a birthday party, for his grandson, Landon, who turned 2. I just kept shooting and shooting and then this happened, a moment I nearly missed. Somehow there was magic in this moment. Something I didn't expect myself. Two things were happening in just this one moment. A grand daughter, nearing two, and her papa about to share something for the first and last time. Her a photograph of a magical moment, him, his last with her.

I haven't written on here in awhile...lately sure other things, mentioned of a friend who was ill, but not who it really was or what they meant to me. On March 13th after a month of intense pain from an ear infection, several trips to the ER, one doctor sent him to an ENT, who in turn did surgery to remove a cyst behind his ear. A day I will never forget, sent to a waiting room to meet with the surgeon. Somehow I knew, what I didn't know...he entered the room with his interns...told me the surgery went well until he ran into something he didn't expect, a tumor in Jim's ear canal. A sample was sent down to the lab it was cancer. What type no idea where did it start, no idea. From March 13 the day of the surgery, to the end of April...it was one visit after another, test after test, specialist after specialist. Then is happened, a PET scan, where they inject a sugar substance into the body that attaches to any cancer in the body. The visit which revealed it all was devastating...on the screen his body organs lite up like Christmas lights. Lung cancer that had metastasized to is brain, lymph nodes, adrenal glands, and stomach lining. 

In just a short time together it all came to end 16 days after brain surgery to remove the mass in his ear canal, which was pushing up against the spinal fluid in the brain. In just two short weeks after the March 13th surgery, his legs were giving out, his speech slow his ability to form words was difficult. This man I loved, a love I have never experience in my entire life was changing before my eyes. I had been through the death from cancer, my father, my nephew, my father in law. It was nothing new to me, yet this, was more than my heart could take. I had two visits from May 1st when he had brain surgery to remove the mass. Many calls from him, awake in ICU, and in our local Hospital through messenger, he begged me, to come and get him, take him home. Care for him until the end, something his children and family didn't believe was happening. God was going to heal him give him a miracle they'd all say...yet the truth is not with them...nor are all the prayers we say...it was his beliefs that matter the most...the person ill, their connection with God, not ours. He kept telling me he was okay with it all, whatever happened he was good with God. For me, that meant he knew, in fact, one night in April, I ask him what he really thought. He replied, " God is going to take me home." I remember getting in the car and leaving for awhile...it was all I could do not to break down in tears in his presence. I sent him a text shortly after he left. It read, "what will I do without you if God takes you home, who will love me like you do." He sent back, "I will, I will from afar, I will love you, I promise." The day he died March 17th I was left a message on my phone. I had no idea just how bad it had gotten, his daughter's had manage to shut me out. Not allowed to attend the funeral a friend of mine took me, we watched from a distance, the carrying of his casket, the ceremony under the tent. I photographed from a far...waiting my turn with him alone. The director received a call from my friend to allow me time alone with him after the family left.

I had two roses in had, walking towards his casket, was the worst walk of my life. Under the tent I reached for the casket placing my hands down, touching, feeling anything sobbing, I feel to my knees hanging on asking him to come back, please, just come back, along with expressing my love.  I have been through a lot in my life, many deaths, yet nothing like his death. The one you share your everyday, the one you give your heart too, all you heart every darn ounce there is you give, is the hardest...he was amazing, he loved me like no man ever has, something I wasn't searching for or for that thought I would ever find. After all I was content alone. He taught me love, real love, and that dear friends is so very hard to find. He was my blessing. I often wondered why people visit graves, as they say, it's just a body, the person is gone. I get it now...the people who make a point to go get it..although it's just his body, I knew that body, his touch, his hugs, his cuddles as we feel asleep at night, and those lips I kissed. Yes, I knew his body and that's why we go...I now understand it all.

My second visit was just a week ago, my best friend took me...she said, "take all the time you need." I opened the car door turned to her, said, "I don't know if I can do this" I walked towards his plot, grass already growing, knelt down on my knees, touching the grass back and forth, leaned down rested my head on the ground...crying I told him how much I missed him, his touch, how much I just wanted to touch him...and how very, so very much I loved him. 

Our story was short, from beginning when our eyes meet, we knew, to the end. As cliche' as it sounds, I had the time of my life...and I owe it to him.

I really did!

After the day he passed, I found myself going outside, uttering out loud, Jim where are you, where are you...one day after asking this appeared. I don't know if it's just me wishing, yet, whatever it is I will take it...thumbs up to me is what I feel he sent to me.

My sweet man, to this day, it's hard to believe it all went so quickly...right down to you. I love you, thank you for showing me love, teaching me to love, for the first time ever. You will be missed, always <3

For those who bully, harass, continue to spread rumors...stop please. Unless you where their you know only what your ears hear, and your mouth repeats. Please stop.

Don't It Just Figure

I do believe it's time to start a NOTE TO SELF...message...I was on a roll and suddenly it ended, right there it was the bottom of the yarn...hanging from the hook. Looking down I said out loud, "ah crap you gotta be kidding." But wait, I know I have tons of yarn all over the apartment stashed in those cubicle storage things that look like furniture...I dug and dug all around the apartment in the closets, yup, there is yarn everywhere....all but what I needed... like in the middle of a recipe and there it is a ingredient you don't have...not one ball of pink Vanna White yarn anywhere...how could this be??? The woman who is addicted to all brands of yarn, and that means if it's on sale I purchase it. My favorite of course is Cascade. So here I sit, actually I have to get ready to hit the store to grab what I need to finish this darn project. NOTE TO SELF...check out how much yarn you really have before beginning a project. Although Pink is not my favorite color to purchase if it need be noted.

What does need to be noted is how fast time truly does fly...this is my second oldest of three children, two boy's and a girl. He is amazing left he is 4 holding his newborn baby sister (see her in the lower right corner) look at that face...still as bright eyed today at 34. He is my well rounded one, an engineer in car designing he travels the world every week. If you look at your children really look one can see exactly what they will be when they grow up...as a child, he was a photo bomber, courageous, always on the go happy go lucky child...and he knew when he did something wrong. He was my thinker of few words and when he spoke it was mature beyond his age. I always knew in my heart he would be okay and by golly he is...a true go after achieve person. I am so blessed and proud of this kid...I carry his heart, I carry it in mine, always.

Be so very still my heart...I love this kid more than words could possibly express.

A Tiny Visitor

Monday my daughter, Dannon, stopped by with her little one William who is now 16 months. Gosh how time flies, look to the left side of my blog, he is the baby in the gray owl sack I knitted for him.

It hardly seems like he should be so grown already.

William has such a beautiful soul and amazing character, it's a delight to be around him. His mommy taught him sign language, I was so excited she remembered it from her twin brother's with Down Syndrome, neither communicate other than signing, William is extremely good at the basics. I can not tell you what it means to a toddler to be able to express themselves. He literally has no frustrations with communicating, he was able to tell us everything he wanted, right down to when he was done eating. He even signs thank you after you give him something. My daughter is amazing with him, giving him only fruit to snack on with no junk food. At night when it's bed time, she will tell him nite, nite, time...he goes to the bedroom she follows behind. He gets ready even brushes his teeth, but, is allowed his binky only when going to bed. I had so much fun with him, I can not express how happy this little boy is...William and Grammie, and yes I was tickling him. Be still my heart, I am in love <3

Things are Changing...

The fall season is winding down the farmers have finished the removal of the sow beans. It's odd to see the fields so bare it seems as though not long ago they were filled with a beautiful green.

There are foliage that appear unusual in shape and color yet interesting just the same. I clearly have no idea what kind of foliage I photographed. It was simply amazing.

Yet the trees although they are dropping there leaves still remain a stunning show of color.

Then the berries of fall and winter have appeared the only green foliage among the many colors.

The leaves are clearly showing more signs of dropping. I look at the earth and even though I have seen these changes for decades I am still at aw. The seasons of change are beautiful.

As is my second oldest son, Aaron. I rarely see him and when I do it's like seeing him for the first time when I brought him into this world. I smile.

He has a job that takes him around the world month by month, a car engine designer, he designs many of the new features and redesigns the parts that cause problems with cars. I am proud, I always knew he would do great things even as a child I could see it. I just never thought how great they would be, not only for his accomplishments, but, for his morals as a man, husband, and father. My daughter tells me occasionally I have done something right, as a parent we tend to question the raising of our children as there is no book other than life experience. So when my daughter says, I've done something right although I have some idea of what it may be...I proudly say to her, Thank you.

Soon I will be posting my blanket as it is nearly done. I have been pushing away to complete it now that the weather is getting colder. Then I get to pick from a variety of patterns waiting, oh what a selection and what to choose....such a dilemma....it would be so nice to have more than two hands. Then again I am thankful I do.

What are you thankful for this year? 

For the Love....

Things are getting back to normal after a couple weeks of a very difficult time. I don't know if my daughter in law's will find it quite as settling yet. As I mentioned in my last post both of the my daughter in law's lost there first parent tragically. If I didn't mention yes, both lost a parent in the same week with one loosing her grand father a week before her father. It's truly been sad and has left us all in aw of what happened. So today I speak of things that bring me joy and love. 

The dolls by Kaye Wiggs are just amazing and rightfully so, she is a very talented artist. Owning one of her dolls would be a privilege, yet one I can not afford, as they cost anywhere from 500.00 to 800.00 or more.. I think with those kind of funds to spend I'd like a week of relaxing somewhere I could be pampered for awhile.

Little William is turning one in November it hardly seems possible, I feel as though I just had the gray owl cocoon on the needles, and speaking of needles it seems the blanket feels like an endless project. I still push forward like a soldier in battle to complete it although I have to admit it's not daily. Oh how I try...good news I am now a little over half way done. Whee! William captures my heart every time I see him, even if it's just a photograph or video his smile brightens my day. I fear he is going to be a heart breaker, as he has already broken mine and crawled inside. I love this little man more than I thought possible as does his mommy, my daughter, who surprises me daily with her wisdom at such a young age. 

We were at Bob Evans a family restaurant in Ohio, which has wonderful home cooked meals and my daughters favorite place. As I sat and watch interacted with William, she said, " I like to watch you and dad interact with William, it tells me I must of had a wonderful childhood." I was in aw...I truly never thought anyway like her at the same age. She is so incredibly mindful of things around her. I find myself growing closer and more proud of her daily. As she said, you must of done something right mom. I finally think so...she is just beautiful both inside and out. 

To end the post the artwork in the paper towel tubes is amazing. She is an artist who is in another Country which at this moment I can't remember, however, she cuts all the pieces glues them inside and comes up with these amazing scenes. Truly artwork that is not only tedious but captivating.

Being an empty nester I am still growing and learning everyday, it's a non stop part of life. It's not always pleasant as in this fall of my life, I am learning how often death occurs, when everyone around is now much older and in their senior years. I am learning death is one of the things you are faced with more often than one would like to hear or visit even if only through word of mouth, or the newspaper. I am learning how to cope, how to help those around me cope, when to speak and when to just listen. I send my daughter in law's a text everyday and will continue for a year to let them know I am thinking of them and how very much I love them.

Unexpected Tragedy Takes a Life

It's hard to begin this post knowing ones heart is filled with so much sadness for so many...

Yesterday morning at 5 am a single car crash took place that robbed someone of their life in just a moments time.

This is my son and his family last year before the birth of their daughter Camilla who is now 6 months old. The beautiful girl is my daughter in law, Shawna, a very warm, caring, and giving person. Sadly her mother was taken from her yesterday without any warning, a mother with a lot of life ahead of her is gone.

I sit here typing and can not wrap my mind around the tragedy, nor can I stop my heart from feeling a pain that is not welcome, as it happen so suddenly there is no time to adjust the heart and make sense in the mind.

In just an instant a life is over, a family mourns, and tears flow like a damn has burst open with no control. No one can seem to make any conclusions, talk is here and there random and sporadically between the tears that stop and start all over again. Questions, so many questions, how, why, was she in pain, was she frightened, what was she thinking as she headed towards the tree? So many unanswered questions, so many what did I say the last time I saw her, why didn't I say this, how do you think she remembered me, her daughter ask, was she proud of me, why didn't I make more attempts to get along better. Then she will blurt out I hope she passed out before it happened, do you think she suffered as the tears begin again. 

I spent most of the day with my daughter in law, letting her just do. It was so hard to watch her cry, then stop to continue life with her children, and yet knowing as I watched nothing she was doing had any thought just motion. The stops and starts of her walking, the stops all filled with tears she tried bless her heart to function despite the sudden loss of her mom and soon to be grandmother dying of cancer. To have to tell a mother she had just lost her daughter, I can't imagine the enormous pain after the words are uttered. After all a parent should not have to bury a child at any age, and her mother soon to follow.

It's easier from my own personal experience to have your parents or for that anyone die slowly. No it's not easy to watch and the pain is there in the heart, yet, we have time which is important. Time to say things unsaid, time to prepare your heart, time to adjust the thoughts settle it all, time to spent just sitting. I lost both parents that way and I am so very grateful for the time, unlike my daughter in law who had nothing uttered, but, your mother just died in a car accident on the way to work.

My love for my daughter in law is just as my own daughter. To see the pain and not be able to take it away is awful. I merely let her be, let her talk when she mindlessly blurted out the loss or random everyday questions, letting the tears flow and waiting for her next movement, it was all I could do. I knew in my heart I had to be there right away after my son sent me a text. I had to hold her, I had to just be where she could see me and I her. I had to control my tears, talk casually, respond only when ask a question. I knew she needed that I knew she was emotionally unpredictable and a simple response to her constant why's was all I could do. I am grateful to have been able to have supported her even in such a small and silent way. 

I sat last night stunned, asking myself similar questions, trying to imagine how her mother may of felt at that moment of impact. Thankfully she passed instantly, but not without leaving behind many broken hearts that will never truly know many of the answers.

Please take the time to fasten your seat belt...the blow alone when the air bag ejects is like hitting concrete. Without fasten that belt, a neck will snap and a chest will be crushed. Although she was not wearing one, we are not sure if the complications of her heart may have caused it all. For now we just process the thought that she is in a better place, pain free, all her problems gone and that she is resting in peace.

God Bless everyone today and don't forget every single chance you get to leave someone with a smile, kind words, and love.

Baby Will in his Owl Sack....has arrived!!

     When love comes into your life you don't question it you embrace it.....

When in comes in the form of a grand child you open your heart even wider and let love in...

There is nothing more beautiful that nature can provide us than the birth of a new human life....

There is nothing more innocent nothing stronger than the bond between a grand mother and her grand children.  Say hello again to baby "Will" in the little Owl Sack and Hat that grandma knitted. Welcome little one to a life that will surround you with tons of love...

And say hello to the entire family in the most beautiful Christmas Card a grandmother could ever receive. When I opened the card I sat on the floor and cried tears of enormous love. My daughter, Dannon Mae, her hubby, Aaron Joseph and there new addition William Carter...life just doesn't get any better than this...family it's what it's all about, embrace it, cherish it, hold on to it, live for it...it's all we have in this world. Family...He truly is a Christmas Miracle. Merry Christmas little one and many blessings for a beautiful life.

Be Careful What You Speak.....Secret Revealed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was a teenager driving a little bug which I loved and has been my favorite car of all times...I dreamed of many things, but did not envision any of them, except a little house like the one above. I'd speak things out loud not even knowing exactly where they came from or where they were going. I never wanted to marry, my mother always said I was too independent, not the marrying kind. Strange though all she ever said at dinner, was find a rich man and marry. A bit confusing for a young girl, which is how I lived most of my life confused, marry don't marry, what was she saying. All I know every sibling I had that married was miserable right down to my own mother. Yet sitting there in that bar with my friends, drinking, dancing, listening to music, I blurted out,"someday when I have a daughter I will name her Dannon."

One must understand yogurt became the thing in the 70's a brand came about called Dannon. Sitting with my friends in a bar one night we got to talking about this new yogurt and the name. Where did it come from what exactly did it have to do with yogurt, kind of weird questions a 19 year old would ask. Now you must know at 19 in the early 70's we could drink in any bar, and boy did I have my fun and wouldn't change a thing. Yet, not one day after did I ever speak of a daughter or the name, nor did I remember, after all we were in a bar.

I did date had relationships, but the marriage and children thing was not a priority on my list. I really didn't know what my list contained. I just lived everyday and what it brought most of my life. And what it brought was a bartender ( me) a male customer who refused to let go for a year to get a date. In the bar he would speak of wanting to marry again and eventually asking for a date, me always refusing and trying to pawn him off on Marsha, my side kick bartender.  All I can say it one night, his friends, and one bet, lead to two children above. Yes, I do have more children in fact this gal had 5. I know, I know, I am still just as stunned and what even stunned me more was the day that girl in the photograph was born...guess what name came out of nowhere, Dannon... Dannon Mae. She is the youngest of my first marriage, oh yeah, there were two marriages, and when she began to speak her name this is what she'd say...Dannon Mae Yogurt. I suppose I should take blame for that one after all we'd go down the isle and mommy would say, "look there is your name on the yogurt." And neither lasted like my mother said, I was not the marrying kind and she never said more true words. And yes I am heterosexual, I just don't find relationships, sex, a priority in my life...Wow...was that blunt. For me as I got older discovering who I was and why I was really here personally on this planet was a priority. After all just like every species we are actually meant to reproduce..its how our species keeps going. So I did, but not for me...I realized I had children for someone else, always for someone else. I was and am a very giving, loving person, give more than I have ever taken when I allow you in my circle of life. Not so easy today as I age, a bit wiser now.

 There I was a SHAM taking care of 3 children in my first marriage. Whee! most of the time I was like a robot, a step ford wife doing the daily tasks and totally forgetting about me. Left hanging in the world like a puppet, being manipulated by this society expressed thing called family. Back when I was young it was pretty much the thing that was drilled in to a females head. We were just on the edge of a woman's freedom of choice and the Happy Days Sitcom family. The only problem it's not what happened behind closed doors, things aren't always what people speak or write even here in blog land.

Nope, being a family, a mother, and now a working mother, in my point of view "Sucks" nearly 50% of the time and often more for most. The crap us females feed each other is just what it is crap! Children are only cute and fun as babies and those the most demanding people on earth of every part of who you are...the truth is they rob you of yourself! And as they grow...the money flies out the door faster and their mouth does the same...words begin to fly out like none you heard before. With children comes many endless jobs...right up until the day you die...and I can list them all..caregiver, housekeeper, babysitter, cook, dishwasher, laundry do, folder, and put awayer...bathing the kids, dressing the kids, teaching the kids, nurse, therapist fixture of all problems, listener of all problems even today it never stops!

I became responsible for everything and now right down to the day I die they bring you problems with there hands out for help... And who was this female? I had no idea. And do I fill there hands NOT this mother as my mother said, "your grown now figure it out on your own, don't bring your problems to me." It was the best thing she ever said, it  made me a survivor, responsible, to rely on my own strength and decisions and if they are wrong I use the wrong to make a right by asking what am I learning.

As far as my children, well the two above don't like to speak to me which suits me fine, they think mom is to blunt, and direct which they don't like to hear, I don't sugar coat life...I am now out of the mix and that feels great. Only if it's a life or death situation do they know to come to me. Life if now there teacher. And in case your wondering my son in the photo is the second oldest, his name is Aaron. And now I will end this post by saying this and as your children grow you will hear it more and more from aging mother's. Children are by far hard work, the hardest work you will ever do and it's never ending. Plus, if you ask someone my age they will tell you children are the worst creature as adults you will ever know. I speak the truth as do all my age, ask any elderly person about their children the answer is not pretty.  I have only one question...out of all the species on this planet earth, why are humans the only species who keeps there children and often raises there offspring? Every other species pushes there children to go.

 

In the end, I have, found and discovered, who I am, I have found love within myself even know god loves me and for that I am never alone, I am a survivor, with many talents, I am the pencil in the hand of god, the love letter to the world. Giving back to the planet what god gave me. A beautiful world filled with amazing things.

P.S. The crocheted outfits were the first of many outfit to come.. I made in the 70's.