WHERE HAVE I BEEN...

It's been awhile I know...since Jim passed I've had to find a new normal. It's been challenging to say the least. It's one thing about life I don't like, someone always gets left behind and for the one who does it's a constant heartbreak of finding that normal. It's going on 2 years May 1st and it's still a lot to handle.

I've moved into an apartment complex living with my cat, Bella, and rabbit, Molly. They are now my life as is still my camera. This is a photograph of a dog wandering on the beach this month on a day that was not so chilly. He belonged to a person living near the beach I must add he was an awesome subject.

There was still snow out on the water, none really on the beach...tons of seagulls birds I will never understand or care too...they are one messy bird. I find I enjoy taking photographs on windy days when the water is really packing waves. Love the movement of water in photographs. I miss the woods where I use to live..I was there 12 years the landlord passed the daughters took over and sold everything. So, I had to move...it's difficult leaving a place one has lived at for so long it becomes home and that is one thing that's difficult to keep changing. There I was surrounded by wildlife, woods, green fields...here not so much. I miss it and I miss my Jim more....it gets easier yet ya  never forget.

I am still creating working yarn making blankets, hats, scarves and more...if you're interested in purchasing I have a shop Little Duckling Designs on Etsy. They are all listed in the shop.

If there is anything to learn in life nothing is constant change happens all around us everyday. It's finding out why that's the important part..why we end up where we do no matter how long it lasts or who we are with...there is alway a reason...you're either teaching someone or learning.

If you would like to follow me I am also posting on a new blog *Alpaca Hook n Crochet* be nice to see you their...in the meantime make it a great weekend.

Sometimes...

There are days that don't always seem to go as planned, actually, it's not planned at all. I am having one of those days...where I feel like I am a feather just blowing with the wind, not really going anywhere kind of just stuck there... on the couch looking out the window a cloudy, about ready to rain sort of view. The wind is whirling the trees bending, the American Flags are just whipping all around in the air as they hang on by a mere string.

Life is not always peaches and cream, I know that, yet, it doesn't seem to matter...today I am sad. Yes, I do have sad days...just like everyone else. Days where when I wake up things just seem to start out on the wrong foot. Like today, a bad dream, my cat, Bella, seems unsettled she hates when I am not home for a couple days...yet I can't take her with me...even if I could she's an indoor cat, doesn't take kindly to the outdoor goings on...I just turned to look out the window the sun just peeked through, the storm seems to have gone around us. Thunderstorm... on March first, wow, seems nearly impossible the weather as been so kind to us this year...so very kind. How can it be I am having a rough day!

I try to remind myself it happens, the little girl in me today, seems to want to run home, remember when we were little and felt sad, or was hurt...running home felt so good...only now at this age home isn't there anymore. 

Today is a day where that little girl wants to do just that...wants to settle in her mom or dad's arms or lap and just hang on...now... it's just to reach out and have someone or something touch you, tell you, everything is going to be okay tomorrow. Sure, I know that... still the same... right now... it would feel good. Bella, is only cuddly on her terms she has to make the connection and that's okay, I understand her. At times like this I wish there was someone who could understand me.  Yes, someone, like maybe the new birds Thelma and Louise after the movie of course. My best friend and I took on those names when the movie came out, I suppose a lot of females did, it was a great movie. If you haven't seen it, get it, well worth the time. 

I thank the Internet and especially Blogger for giving those like me an outlet to express myself. It helps it really does...at least... for me. Thank you too... for all who pop in and read my blog everyday, it gives someone who lives alone a place to visit others...even though you're not here at my home.

Have a Blessed Evening or Day where ever you are in the World.

Thank you, again.

Yup It's Late...This is Life

So here we go...this is me, today, this is life at 61 the new 61 as some would say, yet it's life. Everyday we live we get up and begin the present working toward the future, leaving the past behind. All happens in one day, the past, present, and future in just one small day, we reflect back to the past the moments before the day ends. What did we do, what did we accomplish, witness, was there a miracle somewhere in those three moments? We are told to forget, let go of the past, so we can move on in the future...the past comes with scars, some so deep they leave behind trails...scents, sounds,  words, trigger there presence. The past never leaves us, it rest somewhere in our subconscious, or stays within scars upon our skin, it lets us feel it's presence, every moment it raises it's head, makes us aware...simply depends on how we choose to receive it...So they say.

Even at 61 there is so much to learn, to feel, to see, to witness, to experience. Even at 61 problems still exist, drama finds your life, it's simply a bit harder to deal with, the ups and downs get somewhat

 tougher to climb. What makes the difference is how well you adapt, how well you know yourself makes all the difference in the world. For without knowing, truly knowing yourself, the good, the bad, and the ugly,  life's hits get tougher. With age we loose the ability to cope, we are wiser yes (one should listen to the older we know a lot more than you think)...we have a lot to teach if you just listen...life will be simpler for you at 61.... we all are weakening with every year that passes that's a fact. It's why elders have so little patience are so bold and outspoken, those are the tired ones....those are the ones giving up letting age take over...yes, I have problems, yes drama finds me, yes there are still life challenges, complication just like you. Only they are different now... when they present themselves, I am wiser, more educated by life experience which makes all the difference. Not long ago my oldest son told me this..."mom, you need to learn to choose your battles." what a wise child some are early in life. I learned a lot in just that statement. A whole lot!

As I sit here typing this post, I end with this...I look at the people here in the United States and have realized this....we are a culture of individuals...so self involved with our own lives. If it feels good we'll do it, if not we want no part. We choose everything, we demand, who, what and when things will happen that we can control. We demand special treatment in all area's of our lives that we can control..who enters, how we demand to be treated and heaven forbid if they don't...we walk away, we divorce leave behind children, have sex...because it feels good anything that feels good we want regardless of the consequences and when those consequences are tough, we blame anything and anyone but ourselves...in this world today we simple choose ourselves over everything else. For me, I choose not to be like that if I am anymore...I choose life, I choose people, I choose to do what God has ask us to do, help each other, unconditionally without hesitation or judgement.

Some would say, "well, what about me, what about finding myself, treating myself good." I say, "life will do the adjustment for you, it will make you aware of what you need to do with everything it puts you through, the good, the bad, and the ugly, you will learn, you will continue to grow into yourself. Life will make sure you do.

So no, I do not believe I am 61, that is just a number... for if I was not told I would not know what that number meant. Should there be eternal life..61 sure is pretty young...don't you think. I do.

Life Goes On...

Being 61 is not nearly as bad as most people think...it's all about your way of viewing life and what you think of yourself and keeping stress as low key as possible...and yes this is me at 61. Wow, who would have thought 61..not me.

I am finding my passion to be the camera...finding it to be a reality may have taken time

yet hey...better late then never...so they say and it's true.

Knitting is my second passion and that's okay with me. It's nice to find in our winter years just what life has taught us. A journey it is...some good...some not so...yet the not so's are the most important times...they teach us valuable lessons...more valuable of all...even though they are the toughest. Hang on when going through them, even if they last for years...you will find something that changes your life. It's worth it all...from me to you thank you...even though no one comments I am settled just knowing you view.

Life is Good

  Life is good even amazing if we just look around, that's pretty easy for me when you've been a photographer. Although I don't take it for granted. Photographing nature has become so much more appealing to me in the past couple years. Teaching myself to see through the lens with not only my eyes but my heart. Some of the most ordinary things become extraordinary. There is beauty even on a warm January day, yes I did say warm. We have had an unusual winter and I by far am not complaining. If Mother Nature continues to be resting in a good mood our transfer into spring should go mighty well. The key word Mother Nature who can change without notice which is truly pretty cool in some ways...the sound of a rustling wind, or waves beating up against a pile of rocks, the crackling of ice on the Bay, tree branches tapping the windows and the snow crunching softly under foot. Sometimes I miss the snow which has been scarce this winter, maybe, two days so far this Season although there are still several months to go. My new home is nice I am adjusting although it's been tough, I can't say it hasn't been without tears leaving my apartment of 10 years. Women, nester's were are making simple walls, a roof and floors a home. So many memories are made in a decade of living with so many hard to let go. I know we take them with us wherever we go, yet, it feels a lot like a loss. I keep trying to remind myself change is good it leads to better things, different things, a new view which mine is extraordinary. The bay in my backyard, birds everywhere beautiful birds. A nature retreat/trail to my left where walks are glorious even in the winter. So what is there to be sad about...home even though they say it's where you're heart is...mine took in many good times and even bad in my apartment. So for now, I cry, then I'm okay the tears just seem to find there way down my face...maybe that's life's way of cleansing the old and preparing us for the new to come. Flushing it all out, yes, I believe so...at least for me it's how I am going to view it. I look forward to the new views, the new memories and of course my new home. Change is good and if you're feeling the same it's okay hang on and go with it...just like everything else we adjust. Have a beautiful day and truly enjoy it no matter what the weather or the day try to find the good. I know I do. I believe. UPDATE...I am beginning to create in my new studio...so there will be bits of this and that to come...

GOSH...it's been awhile

It's evening here in Ohio normally I would post during the week morning, but hey, we can't always follow the norm...well at least I can't. I have moved it's been scary, exciting so many emotions wrapped up in one little body, or dare I say head. A lot of things have happened some good, some okay and some pretty darn, not so...that's okay though...it's how we learn, which means, we never stop learning or making mistakes regardless of age. Single life is better for me I have found, which I should have typed "I knew all along." It's tough to move around so many marriages and divorces...to get it right...is there even a right...I don't know. I just know it's not for my life, maybe it's just I am too darn independent and creative, I think so... it's hard to tame someone who doesn't fit with the trends of society in life. Yet, it's okay there too. I am okay with it all, no I am great with it all. There is so much to discover about one's self in this life...and no...I am not saying everyone drop your spouse and go find yourself, well it's your choice actually...remember that "there is always a choice in everything." However, what is important...we have to spend time alone even if a couple hours a day, we must, find time for ourselves...not to shave our legs or go to a spa...but...to be away from people life in general, and enjoy this place called "Earth" which we are all a part of for such a limited time. And by all means do it by ourselves. That's right totally alone...just walk along a beach, a country road, in the woods, sit by the water...let your mind go...look at everything...close your eyes and listen to the sounds...let your mind cleanse itself...simply let it breathe. For now...Goodnight there will be more posts to come in this New Year.

When Things Change

                                                                       

                                                             

One never knows when things will change, and when they do it's not without questions. We all have change it's true, yet, in our 50's and up it gets harder, and, I never knew how hard it would be until it happened to me.  There have been a lot of changes in my life, yes it's true. Who would have thought I would have meant and fallen in love at 61, I sure didn't, in fact, I wasn't even searching. It's been wonderful yet not without hesitation. Our past really doesn't make us who we are and that can be a bit frightening especially after a divorce. No matter how hard we try and how much we have forgiven there are certain things that still come along with you...ones mind is an awesome tool, yet, at the same time it stores memories and not all our good. Even though we don't think about them they tend to find there way to the front line when situations, or smells trigger the film to role, without one wanting to watch the movie. Despite all I am pushing forward through the hesitation and whatever else comes along. He is a good man, the best to me any man has ever been...that's him in photograph I took leaning on the tree. I have also picked up the camera have been shooting away to the point I am opening a local photography business. I did this in my younger years and decided age has no bearer on what we do if we don't let it...and I don't...so I am pushing forward in many ways. Babysitting my grand daughter Miss Camilla a couple hours a night which I am loving. Things have come a far way away from being a empty nester thus far...I do hope to do some yarn work as in knitting this winter and some crocheting of my little rabbits. I so look forward to the knitting needles and some much needed quite time.

We All Get Lost...

It's Been Awhile...

  Hello lovely readers, it's been awhile since I posted I apologize for the long delay. There have been so many new additions to the family, and the garden has been my focus since spring. I find myself exhausted at times as there is a lot to do in the garden, this year I made it a lot larger than it was a couple years ago. I've been really tending to it and keeping the weeds at bay, the animals from eating away at things. My lavender field is growing every season, I am loving it so much and learning more and more every year.

My garden is growing nicely with a lot of work this year it's much better than last year, although our season has been odd again. Very humid days, to very cool days. the garden is a lot larger now and the veggies a lot taller and greener. I love gardening right in the soil on the grown the way it was intended. 

I started my lettuce in early spring and keep it covered with a light weight breathable cloth to keep the white flies out so they don't eat the leaves. This cloth also allows rain to penetrate and my lettuce is still going strong.

I've also been spending a lot of time with the camera along with a lot of frustration too. It's not easy learning all the different ways to photograph when it comes to lighting, shutter speeds, ISO it's a lot of work.

Yet as you can tell it's paying off...I am learning how to see a hole new way through the camera's eye. 

Life has been keeping me busy yet more so keeping me challenged and that's a good thing. How, it keeps me moving and smiling. After all moving, discovering, and learning new things keeps us young and that's a good thing.

Thank you so much for staying with me, popping in even though much hasn't changed as far as posting. I will do my very best to work on that, yet for now the garden is keeping this girl busy not only with weeding, but watering, and picking now too.

Have a wonderful week and summer after all its growing shorter, and do keep smiling!

What People really want!

Okay so you think you've entered a blog about knitting, creating, free things, because we all want free things, don't we? Isn't that why we troll the blogs especially the creative ones. We want to take, whatever we can from whoever will give it...we all know why people blog, they're looking mostly for money. The blogs that are actually on here just talking about there life, their day, or just sharing there creative side, how many really care? The ones without comments those are the blogs I read. Then, of course, we have blogs that are trying to sell things, they want your money, and will say the sweeties things to get it...it's called written marketing, type it, make it sound good. 

Me, I'm a person who tells it like it is, you either like me or you don't, there is no in between...as Dr. Suess says, "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." That's exactly how life works, in times of troubles you really find out who doesn't mind.

My father once said, in your entire life, you will be able to count your real friends, not on your fingers, but on the trials in your life."  What a wise man and a very missed one.

Before winter I was in my garden preparing my lavender for the snow to come...out of nowhere the neighbors dog came running to me, I stood up gave him a pat and heard a voice I didn't recognize call his name. She said, that's lavender right, I said, yes, she ask, how do you get it to grow. I explained and with that I said, oh, you must be Ed's mother. She replied, yes, I am sure they've told you I am not social. No, they actually just said you live over there..Well, I am not social I hate people, they talk about you when you walk away, they gossip about everyone, don't help anyone, and always want something. I've had one really good friend all my life and visit her at the nursing home Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as she walked away. As I stood watching I knew what she meant and how she felt...as I am sure many of you reading can relate. If not your one of the lucky ones...but life isn't over yet.

Yesterday in a store...I was getting a cart for my groceries, getting ready to shop. As I put my gloves in my pocket a young girl walks up with two small children. She took the wheel chair, said I've been on my feet all day it's time you kids push me for awhile. I turned around said, excuse me, what if someone comes in that really needs the wheel chair. In less than a second, I heard, it's none of your business bitch.



I've been through a lot in my life, and bitch is a word that seems to fly out of many mouths freely, these days. Let's just say, I knew what kind of person in that one sentence I was dealing with...I stood my ground thought, oh no you didn't, not in my world, not the one I grew up in...I don't care how advanced we've become respect is a given in the public arena.

I looked at her...said really, is that how you respond in front of your children..within seconds it was bitch mind your own F**king business. I again looked at her, said how sad, someone dropped the ball on you as a child. Again it was Bitch go away.

It wasn't long before her mother, as she let me know, came around the corner. I've never seen someone so infuriated, so upset, she was shaking...with her finger in my face, she said, don't you talk to my daughter, don't you say anything to my daughter, you don't know her, I have custody of her children. Wow, I stood there and thought you have custody of her children, this isn't sounding good. I opened my mouth with this...okay, you dropped the ball, you failed, don't take it out on me...and by the way take your finger out of my face, before I break it, and give you a really good reason to leave the store...and I walked away, of course not without her following me. I turned said, lady, don't press your luck, my tolerance for people is short, best you just walk away, hear me. And with that it was over...so what's the point?

By now you've noticed the photo above....the movie Instinct with two wonderful, well respected Actors. You can read about it here http://www.blockbuster.com/browse/catalog/movieDetails/134702 just click and paste in browser. A movie truly worth watching to get a better understand of life, freedom, the mind of the human race, the amazing connection of humans to gorilla's, so many life lessons can be learned from this movie, only if you're open minded for if you're a follower in life, one may not walk away with any meaning from this movie other than it was okay. When it's over, ask yourself what you've learned, then ask yourself who you really are....Love is a given, but there is something more powerful.

Ethan Powell : We have only one thing to give up. Our dominion. We don't own the world. We're not kings yet. Not gods. Can we give that up? Too precious, all that control? Too tempting, being a god?

Times of Troubles...

Beautiful isn't she, well not so...she was on aol.com news not to long ago. Sadly, I don't know exactly, I skimmed the article, it's hard to read of a child struggling, at least for me, especially when there life is just beginning. I think of St. Jude's Hospital and how every moment, a struggle is in progress, parents waiting and wondering, praying for any kind of miracle and then I think of my troubles. 

I go to bed and think about my life and lately it's not looking so bright to me. I think here I am at 58 over a half of century of life, and I look at her and think....if I could offer my life to her, if there was a way to transfer I wouldn't hesitate. Why, you might be wondering...because I lay at night and think about my troubles, that for her..she would trade just to live. 

Although on the internet we all talk of our lives casually, it's what we do, it's what we are suppose to do, for you the reader, even for ourselves, who wants to hear of someone else's troubles, right. Yet, when doors are closed the internet is shut down, we all have our own personal struggles. None of us are without them, each finding an ending at it's own pace. For me, I've had a personal struggle for over 10 years...that's a long time. One that was handed to me by someone else, who's own personal journey intertwined with mine, making my life more difficult. And you can't get away from them for one reason or another it is what it is until...until there journey changes, they see more clearly the things they have done. It's the beauty of aging, behind it, leaves many lessons learned, hopefully making for a better life, a better person who evolves with time.

Children like this young man, Sam, who I watched on Katie Couric, a young boy in high school, much older than me physically, dies suddenly from complications of progeria. A gene that ages the body more rapidly than it should, changes his life. Again would trade his own for someone with struggles of the heart and mind. I remember watching this amazing young man with such a positive outlook, talking of what he planned on doing as nothing was wrong. 

Again, I think of the nights I lie in bed thinking of my struggles, the tugs of mind and heart. The feeling of loneliness, the lack of visitations, communication, especially in the winter being a germaphobic, and simply wondering what I am suppose to do sometimes in this, the last play of ones life. Sounds so irrelevant doesn't it. I would have traded lives to wear his shoes. I would have traded even just a moment of my life to experience his amazing positivity,  with a personality that changed so many people, I am sure, as they watched the show. Wishing they had just a touch of his outlook on life. He seemed to make me feel as if I knew him...a bright light in this world, he shined on the show.

I say, it was nice to meet you Sam, and sad to hear of the news you had left this world so soon. I was blessed by your life, simply watching you.

Times of troubles, we all have them...no matter how big or small they consume our lives as they visit. Don't they? Even at my age the journey continues with life still teaching me as the numbers get higher, until it's all over, changing who I am as they come and go. I have my good days and of course bad days, and this winter thus far has been more trying than usual. 

Choices of the heart have to be made this year, one regarding my twin boy's with Down Syndrome, who made me a better person in more ways then I can begin to mention. They found a place in my heart, so deep, I never knew existed. A special needs child teaches the parent, unlike a normal child the parent teach. It's difficult sure, exhausting and challenging, yet it's also rewarding in the end, you come out so blessed just to have had them in your life.

My point in all of this...as I mentioned, today was a tough day for me. In fact this winter, there have been many tears, decisions to make, and more often wondering what's next. I do my very best to stay positive everyday, but there are just those days when it's tougher to climb the hill. So I cleaned like it was a spring day, the sun shining, a pure blue sky, the snow melted, as I looked out the windows it seemed as if winter was gone.

Yet my sadness remained, until I stumbles across this while I was cleaning...

A card that read...

Control is an illusion and so is feeling that there's a list of things,

 you have to do and be.

You don't have to be anything but healthy to yourself,

and in these times, that's quite enough to accomplish,

thank you so very much.

So forget false expectations and don't let them bring you down...

Don't let them take even one precious moment,

of your happiness.

The world needs people who have been through tough times,

and made it.

So you just take it easy on yourself.

You are fine just the way you are.

Thank you... to all the little ones we see, if only in a picture, struggling somewhere to make it to the next day, children like Sam, and my son's who bless our lives just for knowing them or having them in it...make us say for even a moment how trivial the struggles of mind and heart are to us all...when there's is a struggle of life.

May God bless all of you, hold you in his arms, give you the miracle you pray for...and if not...thank you for being here with us..for whatever time. You brightened my life and for that I am so very grateful.